What if roles were reversed?

I was thinking about this one in prayer this morning.  This article is mainly for the married men or ones in relationships, however for single guys this is something to consider as well for when you start dating and even to prep you prior. 

What if the roles were reversed? Your spouse was the one who was lusting and wanting to be lusted after.  How would you feel about that?  I think there is something completely hypocritical about this addiction, and even pointed out we still cant see it.  

Prior to my recovery, It was okay for me to objectify and think sexually about any woman that came into my view or thoughts.  It was okay to watch pornography whenever I needed too.  I drew the line at flirting with other women, but some men don’t.  They have a look but do not touch policy. Some people it gets worse, they allow other people to join in as long as their spouse is involved.  Then the next step would be an open marriage, which in my opinion, is not a marriage at all.  That seems more of a permanent back up plan if you strike out.  How can you raise a family like that? 

The problem with all this is, its all Lust being covered up just in different stages. You see it simply starts with objectification and then can get as bad as open marriage.  To get back to me prior to recovery, I would’ve been fine with almost all of this.  I had no idea what marriage was and I got my pain relief and excitement from lustful encounters.  All I would have needed was my wife’s blessing and I would’ve been doing it all.  Because I was an addict and this was how I got my fix.  But even as an addict I would not have been okay with my wife doing any of this.  it was okay for me to do it, but not her.

Thankfully for me, my wife follows Gods standards. #1 on the list is not okay.  So I had to stop there.  Thank God.  

Ask the question if roles were reversed and my wife wanted this would I be okay with it?  The lust addict would say yes, but deep down inside would start to question himself and feel inadequate. 

Would you want you want your wife objectifying other men?  

Talking about how big their muscles are and how good they look?  

Would you be okay with her fantasizing to them?

What about if she wanted to watch pornography to think about those men doing things to her? 

Would you be okay with her flirting with other guys to make her feel special or wanted?

What about another man joining you in a place that is reserved for you and God?

Or allowing her to find someone else to fill her needs that way? 

Its something to sit and think about.  Because my answer to all these questions is an easy no.  Its not okay for my wife to participate in any of those activities.  So then I need to look in the mirror and say well if its not okay for her, then why would it be okay for me?  Why is it okay for me to live by different standards but not her.  Why is the bar set wherever I want it to.  Not only is it not fair, but its me trying to play god.  

If roles were reversed even prior to recovery, I would not be okay with her doing these things listed out.  So in a marriage if you’re not okay with something, then its something that you shouldn’t be doing either.

Now on the positive side, here is what fills the void that you were looking for.  There is a sense of peace and connection knowing that you and your wife are committed to each other in this department.  You don’t have to worry about other men, she shouldn’t have to worry about other women.  Those thoughts dont cloud your mind. You dont have to wonder if you are good enough, if you are loved,  if she’s wondering about someone else.  There is trust there.  Being on this side of things now where there is Trust, Love, and connection.  There is no way in hell I would want to go back. 

This is what relationships are supposed to be like.  Built on a genuine connection. Built on Love and Trust.  Can you imagine a world where you don’t have to wonder if the person you are seeing is seeing someone else?   Where you don’t need to look anywhere else because you’re given the gift of marriage and total commitment to each other. 

I was always looking for true intimacy, I was just looking in the the wrong places.  I thought that sex was the real connection.  I didnt realize that my Pyramid was upside down.  I was trying to build connection using the wrong foundation.  No wonder why those relationships never worked out. 

To close I’d just like to say, if its not okay for your wife, then its not okay for you.  Try and become aware of what you are actually looking for in all those acting out activities.  What is it you are seeking?  Then see if you can re-aline with Gods plan for your marriage.  Navigate those thoughts and emotions.  Corrall them.  Bring the lust to the light. Start loving.  

God Bless.