As i ponder back on my life I wonder exactly when I picked up the lie that I’m not good enough. I grew up in a conditional love and transactional household. While we were blessed going up in comparison to other parts of the world the emotional and spiritual was missing. I think it started for me shortly after my parents got divorced. Prior to that I was a confident (probably more on the cocky end) kid. I knew I was loved and cared for. I had a ton of family support. After the divorce I started to question myself. I started to become a people pleaser. I just wanted to be loved but had no idea what I was feeling or looking for. It makes sense now why lust and acting out became my solution. It made me feel good about myself, made me feel empowered. I could do it to solve any problem, at least thats how it started.
I still remember getting into disagreements growing up with my mother. When I did something she didn’t agree with I’d get the cold shoulder and she wouldn’t talk to me for days, sometimes weeks! That taught me that love was only given when I did what I was told to do. If I did something opposite (Which all kids do) then love was to be withheld, like it was something to be earned.
I recall shortly before my grandfather passed away going through a picture memory book and he pointed out “this guy was a lawyer”, “This guy was a doctor”, and “this guy was a CEO at Colgate”. Great things to have no doubt, but who were they? Titles are great but what was more important to my grandparents was what you did not who you were. I noticed that when I had status or came back to my grandparents house with my fancy cars is when they were the most proud and really paid more attention to me. Not that they didn’t love me before then, but this success was to be touted and made known to me and everyone else. But what about the other siblings who didn’t find that success, or what about when things got tough and that lifestyle was no longer sustainable.
I think my mormon upbringing had something to do with inadequacy as well. They promoted being perfect and living your life at a standard. (that even Jesus says is impossible for man) “You are saved after all you can do” Well what about the days where I am not feeling it, or didn’t do enough when I know I could have? Still saved or am I screwed because I was no longer perfect?
These are just a few examples, but essentially what I learned is that love is earned, based on performance, and if you don’t keep it up you can lose it. Not only is that unsustainable but its exhausting. No wonder why it was easy to turn to the addiction. That at least made me feel good. I couldn’t live up to the standards to make god happy and proud of me so why even try, might as well enjoy the pleasures of this life if I am screwed anyway.
Looking back, I never felt good enough for anybody because my entire way of learning taught perfection and not grace. So I always felt not good enough. Unloved. The outside never matched that pain that was going on inside.
But something changed. When covid happened in 2020, the world completely shut down. For the first time in my adult life I was forced to look in the mirror and be alone with myself. No wonder why everyone went crazy. We had to be with the people we wanted to get away from the most ourselves. About 4 months in, life completely on hold, work slowing down, I started to dispair. Because what was the point of life? There had to be more than just waiting for the government to tell you when and where you could go.
With nowhere else to go, I turned back to God. Same God that I ran from years ago because I thought he was angry at me for not living up to his standards. Someone had told me to ask God if he was real and he would let me know. So I expected God to say something along the lines of yes I am here, or I am god, about time you got your life together now follow me and try and be perfect.
What happened to me next is hard to describe in text. After asking the question: God do you exist? This is the response that I got.
In the softest, most loving way possible: I LOVE YOU. When I heard this my body felt this extremely warm sensation, I’d say I felt Gods love around me.
Not only did God exist but he loved me. It didn’t make any sense. I didn’t live by his word. I completely left the church and chose a life of sin. Everything that I had learned about love up to that point was not adding up. It was because everything that I learned was a lie. It was wrong. God didn’t love me because of my performance he loved me because of who I was. He loves me for me.
Grace! Grace! Grace!
What I have learned in this short walk with God over the last 6 years, is that I no longer have to feel inadequate (doesnt mean that I still dont feel that way at times) because I am loved by the ultimate creator. When things get tough or I beat myself up for not being where I think I should, all i need to do is remember that day when he said I love you. His love is unconditional. Not based on what I do, but who he is. It can be hard to remember that some days, but because of him I no longer have to think I am not good enough because he loves me for who I am not what I do.
So I encourage anyone who is also struggling with feeling inadequate, connect with God who loves you for you. Don’t focus on what you are not doing, instead focus on what makes you special, what makes you unique. You are good enough just by being you. Tap into that love that God has for you and watch him transform your life. When you stop listening to the lies that you aren’t good enough, and start believing the truth that you are loved, things will change.
You are known, and you are loved.
GOD BLESS!
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