I want to focus on the different levels of intimacy in a marriage. Recently I spoke with a guy who said he had no idea what intimacy was. If you have spent a majority of your life as a lust addict, its going to take some time to start feeling love. To start feeling true intimacy. It was foreign to me as well.
I used to think that intimacy was only physical (sex) so my goal in connection with former girlfriends or Ex’s was that was how we were going to connect, I was blind to see that there was anything else considered intimacy.
In recovery they say take the action the feelings will follow. So if it takes a while to feel empathy, compassion, and intimacy for others, thats okay, the feelings will eventually come. For so long we covered up the feelings and emotions by acting out and lusting, it was hard to care about anyone else when the main priority was to make yourself feel better.
For me these are the different types of intimacy and what you should be trying to use to build that foundation of your marriage. Physical intimacy is the cherry on the top, its not the foundation. While it is incredible, if your relationship is based on physical intimacy its most likely destined to fail because you can’t always be physical and I’d argue that in comparison to the other types of intimacy its not as important.
Few questions to ask yourself. If your wife could no longer be physically intimate with you, where would that leave your relationship? If she was in a car accident and needed a year to recover would you be able to wait that long? What if a tragedy hits and she no longer has the drive to be physically intimate?
I ask these to prep ourselves mentally, but also look and realize that there is so much more to intimacy then just physical. Here are the different forms of intimacy using the SPICE acronym.
Spiritual, Physical, Intellectual,Communicative, Emotional. Now i’ll list them from most important to least.
Foundational:
1) Emotional- When you are connected on an emotional level with your spouse that sets up the foundation for a healthy relationship. Using tools such as the double loop, 3 As, and setting up check ins throughout the week to get on the same page emotionally will help set the building blocks. All the other forms can be tested, but if you can keep this one the house wont blow away.
2) Spiritual- How hard is it in general to sit with anyone and then get to a point of disagreement theologically. For many the spiritual life is the main source, and so when you and your spouse are moving in different directions here, that is a hard one to overcome. Get connected spirtually move forward together as one.
3) Communicative- being able to communicate and know how your spouse communicates is another foundational piece in the relationship. Everyone processes information differently. (internally, externally) and sometimes when people get stressed the way they process can shift. A wife might be an internal processer and then the minute that she gets stressed and overwhelmed, the switch flips and you know everything on her mind (and sometimes its not nice!) But if you have an understanding when communicating that she’s feeling these emotions and its not you, that can help with the problem solving process.
Important:
4) Intellectual- I cant speak for anyone else’s marriage but my own, but part of what is attractive about my wife is how stinking smart she is. She’s creative, processes information quickly, and always comes up with great ideas. This is a form of intimacy. The time spent planning the future together, working on plans and goals. Figuring out how to solve problems. Thats the intellectual side of things.
5) Physical- This doesn’t always have to be just sex, it can be a gentle touch and a sweet kiss. (Wives really do appreciate that by the way) This is what I would call the top of the pyramid. Its a way to connect with your wife, but its extremely enhanced when all the other forms are put in front of it.
Hopefully some of these can help you and your wife with growing in real intimacy and connecting.
P.S- Also good tip for the husbands. When you’re wife is struggling with a problem, a good question to ask her is “Would you like me to help figure out a solution or would you like me to listen? Men like to solve problems, women like to process them. So always helpful to ask to see if they need your help or just help processing.
God Bless!
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