I still remember the day. I was 3-4 months into recovery (and sober) at that point I was getting ready to start my day and something happened with my wife where we got into a big argument. It was still early on in my recovery and she was still in a place where she was in wait and see mode with our relationship. I felt a lot of frustration because she still couldn’t see the change in me. I was clean, sober, and connected to God for the first time in my life how could see not see that?
As I left the apartment the thought dawned on me “this is where I would go act out”. This pain, this discomfort of not being loved, good enough, or disconnected is normally when I would turn to my drug and medicate myself. Thankfully there was a foundation of recovery that led me to be aware of my emotions and instead look for a new solution to my problems.
On my walk I decided to call my sponsor. He had about a year more of sobriety than I did, and thankfully he gave some fantastic advice that completely turned my life around.
He mentioned something about 1A/1B recovery. While my journey was important, I now had to start focusing more on my wife’s needs. Talk about a foreign concept. To that point in our marriage I think my wife and I were coexisting, with her being the only one who cared about the other partner in the marriage. It wasn’t that I didn’t care, but that I was selfish and focused on what I needed 99% of the time.
So imagine my shock when now its not just about me, but about US. I needed to start to pay attention to her, ask her how her day was, and yes, actually LISTEN to her. I’d never done that for anyone in my life so how the heck was I about to do this now? Thankfully with the renewed focus from my sponsor and guidance from our marriage counselor I was able to start to focus on US in recovery.
Here are the tools and tips that helped me:
Learning about both of your love languages
Something that was super helpful for for both of us was learning how we needed to be loved and then how we gave love. Especially in marriage we need to really understand what makes our partner feel loved. On the flip side when our spouse knows how to make us feel loved and appreciated it builds on our connection. Its so easy to forget that we are on the same time, and are fighting for the same goals. Connection should be key. Love languages help to get you more connected.
The 3 A’s: Affirmation, Attention, Affection
Giving your wife these three things daily can help her feel more connected, valued, and secure in your relationship.
Affirmation
This means intentionally speaking encouragement and appreciation. Simple statements like:
“Honey, you’re doing a great job.”
“I see how hard you’re working.”
“I really appreciate how much you care about ___.”
Affirm who she is as a person and recognize her efforts. Done consistently, this builds confidence and emotional connection.
Attention
In a world full of distractions—especially our phones—it’s easy to give very little focused attention to the person who matters most. Be intentional about setting aside time each day, even just 10–15 minutes, to check in and be fully present.
Without this, it’s easy to slip into “going through the motions.” You may be functioning as teammates, but not truly connecting. Real attention helps you stay emotionally in sync and strengthens your bond, especially when working through deeper issues.
Affection
Small, consistent physical gestures go a long way. A kiss goodbye, holding hands, or a quick back rub can make a big difference.
These simple acts communicate care and closeness—especially if physical touch is meaningful to your spouse. Over time, they help reinforce a sense of connection and warmth in the relationship. At their core, the 3 A’s are about being intentional. Small, daily actions can create a stronger, more connected relationship over time.
The double loop
The “double loop” is a simple but powerful communication tool, especially in marriage or close relationships. It was one of the first things our marriage counselor taught us. I used to wait for the other person to finish talking just so I could jump in with my own thoughts, without really listening to what they were saying.
The double loop helps fix that.
Here’s how it works:
First, you ask your spouse how they’re feeling. This can be after an argument, at the end of a long day, or anytime you want to check in.
Let’s use the example of a long day at work. Your spouse might respond with something like:
“I feel angry, hungry, tired, overwhelmed, stressed, anxious, and scared.”
Instead of responding with your opinion, your job is to reflect back what you heard. You might say:
“Just so I understand—you’re feeling angry, hungry, tired, overwhelmed, stressed, anxious, and scared. Did I get that right?”
If they don’t feel fully understood, they can clarify or add anything you missed. Then you repeat the process until they feel accurately heard.
That’s the first loop.
The second loop is your turn. Now you share how you feel—either about what they said or your own emotions. For example:
“I feel X, Y, and Z.”
Then your spouse reflects it back to you in the same way:
“Just so I understand—you’re feeling X, Y, and Z. Is that right?”
Again, you repeat until you feel understood.
When both people feel heard, you’ve completed the double loop.
This process might seem simple, but it makes a big difference. When someone truly understands how you feel, it becomes much easier to move forward. It builds trust, intimacy, and connection.
You may not always agree on the situation, but you can still understand each other’s emotions—and that’s often what matters most. Consistently checking in this way helps create a deeper, stronger connection over time.
% of fault after an argument
The book no more perfect marriages has this in it. But essentially its a very simple concept. Every argument has a % of fault between the two. When the argument is over each party (when ready) apologizes for there part. Lets say your wife call you out for for not bringing home dinner after you said that you would. You get upset because that hits your inadequacy wound and fire back at her. She then raises her voice and says some not so kind words.
Well in this situation who’s at fault? Technically your wife has every reason to call you out for not holding up to your word (even though its not a big deal) but where she might need to apologize here is for raising her voice and saying some not so kind words.
So for this example you would need to apologize for your part (90% at fault) while your wife should apologize for her (10%) fault in creating disconnection. But realizing your own wrongs and trying to make amends for them regardless of % is going to help lead to intimacy and connection.
These tools helped me to start focusing on 1A/1B recovery. It turned a selfish man into one who started to notice and care about his wife. It gave me some simple concepts that I could practice to start to form a better connection with my wife. I hope that these can help you too.
GOD BLESS
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