If you have never read the book the 5 love languages, I highly encourage you to do so. If you are anything like me when you first read it, the concepts are going to seem like they come from outer space. Then you are going to wonder how can I see this in real time?
They are:
1) Words of affirmation
2) Quality time
3) Physical touch
4) Acts of service
5) Gifts-giving and recieving
Now why are these important to learn and understand? For an addict that struggles with love in general, these help you to understand more about yourself and what you actually need from your spouse. They also help to learn your spouse as well, so you can reciprocate them back to her.
Words of Affirmation
This can look something like this. My wife has been spending around 20 hours this month on trying to make the house look cleaner and more organized. Regardless of how I feel about how it looks, if her love language is words of affirmation the following will make her feel more loved.
“Hey hunny, this room looks incredible great job on putting it all together” , “Love, I can see how hard you worked on this room, its getting me excited about this project too!”, or “Hun thanks for taking the time to put so much attention and detail into this new room, it looks fantastic and its nice to see your efforts be rewarded.”
I can tell you right now, If i mention any of those to my wife (She does have words of affirmation as one of her love languages) she is going to feel loved and appreciated big time. You will be apply to see the smile on her face, and recognize in her eyes, that you truly care about her effort. That goes along way in being connected to her.
On the reverse side. Lets say I have a project at work that I am excited about but there isnt any traction yet. If my wife comes and says to me, “babe I know this isnt where you want it to be just yet, but you are putting in the effort and the results will take care of themselves later, YOU are doing a great job!”
For this particular love language there is no better way of feeling that love from your spouse when they can recognize your need to be affirmed in your efforts and your energy!
Quality Time
Early on in my marriage (prior to recovery) I thought that just being in the same room as my spouse counted as quality time. It definitely counted as time, but not quality. Sounds silly to say but i had no idea how to give here what she wanted, a way to feel loved and supported. Quality time looks like this:
You get home from work, put your shoes away and prepare for dinner. Instead of throwing the game one, or picking up your phone to scroll, you go look your wife in the eyes and ask “hunny, how was your day?” I’d like to spend some time with you after dinner if you are free. Now quality time is spending time with your spouse doing an activity or having a conversation, where you are able to focus just on her! No distractions. This shows to her that you care, she’s important and that you want to be with her not just physically, but also mentally and emotionally as well.
Now to show what quality time is not! Without completely throwing my family under the bus here, there was a trip that i came back to california for after leaving the state 2 years earlier. I was there for work and I tried to set up a dinner to see my family. In my mind I was thinking that they would be happy to see me since it had been a few years and that the conversation would be checking in with my to see how my life has been. I was hoping that we could take advantage of the time we set up and reconnect.
Unfortunately, all i got was time. We all arrived at the restaurant, but when we sat down my family of 5 that joined continued to talk to themselves the entire dinner and since i sat on one of the ends, it was almost as if i was enjoying the pizza by myself alone. So here I was looking forward to chatting with people in person after a 2 year hiatus, and they treated it as if I was there with them the entire time. So one of my love languages of wanting quality time, turned into me feeling unloved and unvalued because they barely gave me time.
I share this to say that for those who do have this love language they want you to be there and to be present and actually give them time to connect and feel loved.
Physical touch
This one you would think is self explanatory, but its more than just heading right into sex. Especially from what I have learned on what the spouse appreciates here. Its the holding hands in public, a gentle back massage sitting next to each other at dinner, a soft kiss before leaving for work. Those are the small things that can make your wife feel loved physically. I think we all have some level of physical touch as a love language but learning that % is helpful in knowing when and how much your wife would like these gentle loving physical affirmations.
Acts of service
I tend to appreciate these alot. When my todo list really starts to pile up, having my wife cross off one of those from the list is something that does make me feel loved. For example last week i was sick and needed to get groceries and gas. After putting the little ones down and me passing out, she was the one that ran out late at night and took care of the chores that needed to get done. She didnt have too, they werent her responsibility, but as an act of love and knowing how much that I would appreciate it, she did those services for me.
On the opposite end, its taking out the trash for her, doing the dishes, cleaning the stinky bathrooms (She appreciates that because when you have kids it doesnt always make it to the toilet).
Now my wife doesn’t receive love from acts of service, its not high on her totem pole. But there are people who have acts high on the list for feeling loved. When their spouse does a kind act they feel so loved.
Gift giving and receiving
Well this one is my least favorite. Once because I don’t really need gifts to feel loved. Just feels weird for me when i get them. But also because my wife is so dang good at this. She knows what i need (gift wise) better than I do every day of the week. And its also one of the ones that she needs to feel loved. So its something that I have really had to practice because when she gets a gift her face lights up like its christmas. But deep down, she has this feeling that she’s cared about, she important, and she was noticed. Crazy that all comes from beig given a gift, but for people it is very important.
Getting back to the addict that has always struggled with feeling loved and giving love. (hard to give something that you haven’t been given) learning these languages will help with connecting with anyone really in your life, but most importantly your spouse. Learn what brings joy to her heart, and find out what makes yours tick.
I’ll have to find it but you can google love language test and it will give you a % breakdown on how you give love and also how you need to be loved. Just from personal experience, when you go from a place that you dont feel like there is any love in your heart to a place where all the sudden you are filled with Joy, it does a complete 180 in your life.
I was a hurt, bitter, selfish person who never felt loved in his life. Partly because I didn’t know what i needed to be loved and my family never checked in and said ah the gifts aren’t doing it for this guy! Give him more quality time and words of affirmation!
But once my wife and I started to dig through the depths and try to find out ways to heal, we learned what each other needed and started to love and feel loved in ways that we never had growing up. Learn your love languages, feel loved the way you need to be, and learn to love the way that you can.
God Bless.