My first thought is whats a boundary? Everything that my mother threatened me never held up. Words she would say didn’t matter. If you do this then this is your consequence, ya sure mom. I would cross the line and then say now what?
I also inherited the people pleaser gene. As a people pleaser you don’t just wake up the next morning and start to set boundaries when it comes to people. You want to be liked and so putting a boundary would mean conflict and I’d much rather avoid that do something I don’t want then make someone else uncomfortable.
There is also the other side of boundaries which are personal ones. Which means that you get to hold yourself accountable and not allow feelings to run wild. In my addiction, I had no boundaries for myself. I was free to do whatever I wanted to do, even if it crossed lines, or was against my moral compass.
Prior to recovery you keep setting lines in the sand and say well I won’t cross that one and then I won’t cross that one. The lines get blurred. One might be I won’t be alone with my phone late at night in my room. If you set that boundary and keep it, you will be able to recover. Setting that boundary is protecting your marriage. Being prepared for the event that something happens. Knowing when to say NO to a tricky situation that can derail your life is something you need to establish.
These are what boundaries look like in my life. After the initial disclosure with my wife we had to come up with a plan and some boundaries. I couldn’t continue to live the way that I was living and needed a new path or direction to go.
1)Not being alone in the same room/car/enclosed space with another woman alone.
2) Putting protective measures on all my devices that restrict adult content.
3) Not watching any tv/film that has innuendos or visually stimulating material.
4) Not listening to music/podcasts that has sexual references.
5) I needed to attend counseling personal and marriage
6) I needed to join a 12-step group.
7) Staying away from family/friends who would not respect these new boundaries
8) Deleted all social media accounts
9) Deleted numbers from my phone of women that were not my wife or direct family
10) Gave my wife the right to look at my phone at any point in time
11) I decided to quit drinking
12) I don’t go to late night events without my wife present
These things especially in the beginning seem like an almost impossible task. How do I create boundaries for myself? And then how do I stick to them when I never have been able to? It’s about living your life to a higher standard today than what you did yesterday. I think that’s the biggest lie of the enemy, well you messed up so why try to correct that. Each day, each minute you have a choice on how you want to live your life. Do you want to be faithful to your wife, kids, and family, or do you want to choose to temporarily feel better about yourself for a few moments and further disconnect from them?
I think that choice is so hard because it seems like that’s the only option for alleviating our pain. Making ourselves feel better ASAP, by any means necessary. We need to process that pain. And setting boundaries with ourselves is a good way to actually be able to look at the pain that is within, instead of going to other things to make us feel better. I can’t watch a game unless I connect with my wife- boundary. I used to think it was all rules and regulations, I now realize these boundaries are here for protection and for peace.
God Bless!
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