Prior to my recovery I was a major people pleaser. I also had flexible morals based on how I felt at the moment. I didn’t know how to stand for anything or to defend my position without getting angry. I would change colors depending on who I was around. I wanted to be liked by everyone.
I also had no idea how impossible that was Maybe its because i never felt the that i was loved early on in life, or that i was good enough as i was to be loved. Somewhere subconsciously I learned that agreeing with people made them like you. I can recall the 1st time I ran into this dilemma. I was in 3rd grade. I sat down for lunch in-between 2 of my friends and the topic of Pokemon got brought up. I loved Pokemon, especially as a 3rd grader. My friend to the right asked “do you like Pokemon?” to which i replied yes I love Pokemon. My friend to the left then stated, “I don’t like Pokemon”, to which I quickly replied ” I don’t like Pokemon!”. Having no clue that i was contradicting myself and trying to be liked by 2 people of conflicting opinions. This went back and forth a few times and i had no idea why they were laughing at me, I just thought they found me funny.
As i went through life prior to recovery, even if i believed something to the core i would still find myself wanting to be liked more rather than standing up for what I believed in. I didn’t agree with doing drugs, but I wasn’t about to stand in the way of stopping someone. Thankfully I never reached a point to where i was asked to do them myself, but had the opportunity arose, i’m not sure if i would’ve been able to say no.
I just wanted to be liked. As I got older and the addiction started to take on stronger forms, I found myself agreeing with anything the women that gave me the time of day would want to do. Even if it wasn’t something I wanted. That innate desire for wanting to be “loved” and also the feeling behind acting out was the perfect combo to taking away any sense of self worth.
I also had no self awareness to be able to see when I was changing colors or how often that I was contradicting myself. This ran into problems when asking for raises as well. I thought I knew my worth and would ask for something, but whenever my boss would say no you are worth this, i’d tuck my tail between my legs and accept that offer with no pushback. Rather be “liked” than to get what I was worth.
In recovery I still have moments where I catch myself trying to be a chameleon and change with the crowd. But thankfully now, I have time and the ability to take inventory of my day and see where I went wrong and how I can change for the next. If there are also any amends that need to be made I can do that too. Finally able to recognize my wrongs, but also understand my worth.
I am worthy of love, I am valued, I am important, and I have a higher moral law that I need to live by. So now when I get a shock to the system and try to people please I have this list to help me react and live life by.
God loves me for who I am. All of me, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I am important enough that he made the sacrifice to save me. I’m valued by my family, friends, and fellow group members. I am no longer living off what I feel in the moment to make decisions and choices, now that I know that God exists, I have his law to look up to to help guide me in the day to day decisions that i make.
Now that I have God and have recovery, I dont have to be a chamelon any longer. I can stand on who I am. I can wear my colors proud. I can be myself and live free again. Thank you God!
God Bless.