One tool that became very important early in my recovery was learning to control my eyes. While it may not be the single most important step—connecting with God is #1—it was essential in helping me gain control over what I allowed into my mind from the outside.
Before I became aware of this, my eyes would wander everywhere, especially toward what I call a woman’s “strike zone” (a baseball reference). That was simply where my eyes automatically went. If women are reduced to just a combination of body parts, and that’s all I’m looking at, then that’s a problem. Unfortunately, that was exactly what I had trained my brain to do.
From a very early age, I learned to objectify women without even realizing it. It had become automatic. I didn’t understand how much I was objectifying nearly every woman I encountered.
During recovery, I began to realize that something as simple as moving my eyes could make a big difference. By choosing not to stare, I was helping stop the cycle of lust and objectification before it even started. Gaining control over your eyes is a huge part of the battle.
One exercise that helped me was paying attention to where other men’s eyes go. Instead of checking out women, I would observe the room and notice how often other men’s eyes drifted the same way mine used to. It was eye-opening. When you step outside of your own habits and start observing, you begin to see how common this behavior is.
What helped me most was learning to look differently. Sometimes that meant looking in the opposite direction or keeping someone only in my peripheral vision so I couldn’t focus and objectify. Another helpful practice was praying when I did notice someone. I would simply say, “God, please bless that woman,” and then thank God for my wife. Turning that moment into a prayer helped redirect my thoughts.
This was not an easy transition. For over 25 years my brain had been trained to look at women in a certain way. Changing that required constant awareness and effort. But over time, it became easier.
Once you start paying attention to what you are looking at throughout the day, things begin to change. We live in a world filled with sensual imagery, and it’s easy to absorb it without thinking. But when you stop feeding your mind those images, you begin to win small daily battles.
If someone asked me to choose only one practical step that produces quick progress, controlling your eyes might be it. It doesn’t solve everything, but it stops a lot of the fuel that feeds lust. We have spent years—sometimes decades—seeking out sexual imagery and getting a rush from it. When we stop letting our eyes constantly bring those images into our minds, recovery has a chance to take hold.
So what does this look like in practice?
It means not letting your eyes automatically wander to a woman’s body. For years, my eyes would immediately go there without me even thinking about it. Breaking that habit takes work, especially when it has been reinforced for 20, 30, or even 60 years!
Many people say, “Looking never hurt anybody.” I used to believe that too. But the truth is that looking is often where the problem begins. Those images get stored in your mind and can be used later by your imagination. It’s like feeding the very thing you are trying to stop. There’s a saying: “I can look as long as I don’t touch.” But looking is often just storing images for later. When you stop feeding your mind those images, you begin to weaken the whole cycle. If you cut off the head of the snake, it can’t bite. Controlling your eyes doesn’t solve everything, but it removes a huge source of temptation.
Once I realized that I was loved by God and truly free, I had to figure out how to live that out in my daily life. Controlling my eyes became a practical way to do that.
When I walked down the street and a woman approached, I would intentionally look in another direction and keep her only in my peripheral vision. If I wasn’t prepared and my eyes landed on someone, I would say a quick prayer: “God, please bless that woman, and thank you for my beautiful wife.” Praying for someone and reminding myself of the woman who stands beside me helped shift my heart back to a healthy place.
For me, this took time. It wasn’t overnight. In fact, it took about 45 days of consistent effort before it started to feel more natural. But that short investment of time became one of the most powerful tools in my recovery.
What surprised me most was realizing how many lustful images I had been feeding my mind every single day just through my eyes. Once I began to change that habit, my brain slowly began to change too. Over time it became more natural not to look at women in a lustful or selfish way.
That doesn’t mean I’ve never looked again. But the difference now is huge. Moments where I catch myself are rare, and I’m aware of them immediately. In the past, I could have objectified dozens of women in a single day without even noticing.
Even now, learning to see women as whole human beings instead of objects is still a process. For most of my life I never truly thought about women as unique individuals with their own stories, talents, struggles, and gifts. Learning to humanize instead of objectify takes time.
One thing that helps is asking questions in my mind when I see someone. Instead of focusing on their appearance, I think things like:
- I wonder what struggles she’s facing.
- I wonder what her childhood was like.
- I wonder what her talents and passions are.
- I wonder if she’s having a hard week like I sometimes do.
Those questions shift my perspective. They replace lust with empathy and healthy thoughts.
This will likely always be a battle at some level. But once you realize that you have a choice—to objectify or to pray and love—you begin to experience real change.
God may not remove the temptation to look, but He does give us tools to surrender those temptations and live differently.
God Bless.